Flight or Fight: “The Rant”

 

“In the face of unspeakable distress, choose to fight”

-Stephanie

 

 

Fight or Flight?

Definition:

The fight-or-flight response, also known as the acute stress response, refers to a physiological reaction that occurs in the presence of something that is terrifying, either mentally or physically.

 

I always find it funny how we can be so oblivious to so many things in this world until we find ourselves down a path we never saw coming.  I feel this way the most when I think about my life.  Each day seems like a new adventure, a new struggle and a new path.  I guess it feels that way because ultimately we have little control over the outside factors, right?  We can control some things like, what we eat, what we wear or where we attend church.  Things such as schooling, cars and what bank we keep our money in.  There are quite a few things we can control but there are many more things that we cannot.  Things like death, health and job loss.  Things such as national disaster, impairment and depressions.  We are limited to some degree on what we can do, what we can control.  That is why life is such a leap of faith.  What better way to surmise it.   I mean after all I cannot give you scientific evidence that life is about faith or that God is real.  But to me, these things are real and are true.  Life is about faith.  Believing in something bigger than we are.  Believing that there is a bigger picture and we may not have all the pieces.  Believing that someone is running the show, making the moves and calling the shots.  Belief that there is someone much more holy, powerful, loving and perfect than we are.  Thats what it’s about.  Living in this world with an ever-changing path yet still believing that you are headed exactly where you should be.   Knowing that it is imperative that you continue to fight each day for what you believe in.  Knowing that you have to prepare yourself for each battle.  Knowing that life is not about perfection and that God doesn’t expect perfection from us.  Being a believer of Christ does not entitle you to a perfect struggle free life.  Some say the more strength you have the more God expects you to be able to handle.  I am not sure I would word it that way myself but I do know that believing isn’t all it takes.  Believing is not your ticket to a care-free existence.  Each of us are giving hurdles, struggles and roadblocks.  It is how we handle these challenges that is a real testament to our endurance.  It is an insight to our faith, loyalty and devotion to God.  It isn’t as much about what you handle as it is about how you handle it.  When it is too hard do you turn and run away?  Do you choose a cowardly way? Or make choices that are easy or get you to the end result right away? Do you cheat, lie, steal or inflict pain in order to gain your own survival? Or do you choose the “right” way, the way that God expects you to handle tough situations; the way that may be hard, overwhelming and exhausting but is noble, good and Christ-like

 

This post is about fight or flight.   When faced with daunting circumstances are you going to run and hide?  Or do you choose to stand a fight.  Not physically or literally but more so mentally.  Do you stand up and fight doing what you know is right and living life in a way that you would be proud to be associated with?

Apply this to all the situations in your life, do you respond to stressful times with great fear and hesitation? Or do you buckle up, hunker down (yes this is the right use of the term lol) and be prepared for a fight?

I spent a big part of my life “flighting” “running away” or whatever term you like to use.  I spent even more time choosing the easy way or hurting others to get where I need to go.  I was no monster by any means but merely a young women who did not always choose the “noble” way.  In my life now, I fight.  I don’t run and hide.  I may grieve and feel sadness but I refuse to back down, back away or leave.  Instead I arm myself with all the love and goodness that God has always given to me.  I arm myself with the spirit and the faith that I can ultimately defeat any battle.  

My message to you…. Be steadfast, faithful, loyal, patient, grateful, loving, graceful, kind & true.

 

………………….. and fight!

 

xoxo

A Stream Of Light In The Darkest Place…..

 

It is important to know to keep pressing forward.  I often time feel numbed to my son’s situation almost as if I have been hit by a ton of bricks and can no longer move.  It’s like I am in a dark place.  It’s a place I sometimes like to stay in because it means I don’t have to do anything.  I can just sit there and throw as many pity parties as I can allow myself to throw.  In that place I spend lots of time asking “why me?” and “why us.”  It’s a dark place that is hopeless, sad and full of confusion.  But ultimately the darkness is the most overwhelming part.  You feel lost, out of place and isolated.

And then Kian wakes up and sees a box of crayons only to say, “bay-ons.”  Just like that, the lonely dark place I am sitting in has a stream of bright light shinning through.  Just like that, it isn’t so dark anymore.  That light is the light of possibility.  The light of hope.  The light of belief and the light of faith.  Heavenly Father sends me that light, to let me know that all is not lost.  All is not done.  And that joy is not over.  I say this a lot, but I have never believed in Heavenly Father as much as I do today.  I have seen his work in my life countless times.  I cannot even begin to express the gratitude I have.

A really important friend of mine recently told me something that has stuck with me every day since.  She spoke of Heavenly Father’s love for special needs children.  She spoke of how these special children had already been tested in the previous life and passed, they had earned their place beside Heavenly Father already and that they were sent here to test us.  Every part of that message rings true in my heart today. My son Kian is here to be a blessing in my life and test my faith in the Lord.  He is here to bring joy to my life and build my family.  

I would be lying to say that I am happy that my child has to do suffering here on earth but I try and be open to all the beauty that having his presence brings.  See thats it, he passed his test and now it’s time that as a family we pass ours.  We have to show our loyalty to him and to God.

You do not have to share my belief in God to be able to understand how much of a blessing these children are.  What you believe and don’t believe doesn’t even really matter.  Just enjoy your children, no matter what they are or who they are.  That is my advice to any mother.  Special needs mom or not.  Doesn’t matter.

xoxo

Will The Pain Last Forever? Emails Included

I asked a dear friend this question today because she too is a mother of a disabled child.  The emails are below >>>

 

Date: September 24th 2013 11:12am

From: *******

To: *********

Subject: Hi, E****

 

Dearest E****,

Will it ever stop hurting? I know that you know the heartache.

 

Stephanie

Sent from my iPhone

 

 

(((((((((((((((After writing this email I quickly sent her another.))))))))))))))))))

 

 

Date: September 24th 2013 11:15am

From: *******

To: *********

Subject: Hi, E****

 

Dearest E****,

I hope my last email didn’t offend you.  I couldn’t resist asking you if the pain lasts forever.  Forever seems like a long time.

 

Stephanie

Sent from my iPhone

 

She simply replied, “No, the pain doesn’t last forever.” and for some reason hearing that from her comforted me to know that this won’t last forever.  I thank her for everything that she has been to me and is to me now.  Someone so angelic that has really taken me under her wing and been so kind to me when I probably didn’t deserve.  I think that some people in this world are angels sent by God to protect us and there is no doubt in my mind that she is one of them.  Thank you.

They Say The Good Die Young….

 

And for some reason I cannot understand this….

 Well let me back up and explain why I am feeling the way I feel.  My son had his appointment today for his official diagnosis.  Leading up to the appointment this morning I was restless and not really sure of what was going to happen.  Would it be confirmed officially this time, that he is autistic or would they delay his diagnosis?  Would they say he is growing out of it or they no longer see the things in him I see?  The whole 2 hour ride this morning I was on edge, nervous, tired from lack of sleep and confused.  Finally this day had come but I am not sure I wanted it as badly as I once did.  Something was going to happen today that could possibly never be taken back.  When we got to the appointment my nerves had settled.  It was going to be what it was going to be and I sure as hell couldn’t change anything.  Within the first few moments of observing Kian, the Dr. came over and said, “Just after a few moments with him I can see the characteristics of Autism.” On the inside that knocked me off my feet.  How can anyone see after only a few moments, literally only seconds with my son that my child was autistic? Why has it become so overwhelmingly obvious?  Maybe I was right to think that everyone in the world will be able to see that.  Maybe I was that dumb all along that I had still not even felt 100% sure at times that Kian was autistic.  Even after a previous evaluation.  After regaining my composure on the inside I took a deep breath and was ready to roll.  We went back and did the evaluation and honestly there was nothing surprising or odd that occurred.  See prior to the appointment I was convinced my son would be a mild case of autism at best with the possibility of being moderate.  I was certain my baby was too bright and too full of life to be anything other.  Well I was never truly prepared for what I was going to hear.  As I waited on him to tally up all of the final scores and make a conclusion.  I was nervous but I was still anticipating the best possible outcome, if there is a best possible outcome with autism.  I wouldn’t get my wish today, I usually never do anymore.  The Dr. returned from his office and sat down to talk…. and I am not really even sure what he said after he officially diagnosed my son with Severe Autism as my mind is heavily clouded these days.  I saw his lips moving and I am sure there was some sound coming out but nothing could quiet the screams or crumbling that I felt inside.  It’s like lethal injection in a way.  You can feel all the pain and heartache but you cannot move, speak or even breathe at times.  You know you are alive but it’s outer body.  The word severe is crushing, devastating and almost unspeakable.  I am not sure if I will ever use the word again after this blog post.  What does severe mean? What does it mean? I cannot process even a simple definition as it seems way more than I can comprehend.  How could something be way worse than I could have imagined? The Dr was very positive and set up all the info that we needed for all of the therapies and medical needs we were going to have ahead of us.  But that doesn’t change the heart of a grieving mother.  

The truth is, I was grieving long before today.  I was grieving over what was to come with my son for a long time.  I knew something was to come.  There was some reason my son has yet to acknowledge my presence or call me, “mommy.”  But if you can believe it, I was grieving for more than one reason.  I know right? Tragedy seems to occur around the same time frames sometimes.  As some of you know my father was diagnosed with Cancer not to long ago.  What a devastating blow for any family to suffer.  Things have not been as cookie cutter or easy as I have led some to believe.  My father’s time here is dwindling down and things don’t look as good as I had once hoped.  He has such a will to survive and such a love of life. He is so positive and I think it has been hard for him to be brutally honest with me because he loves me and doesn’t want me to be hurt.  He has kept some tough information from me at times.  But can I blame him? No, not really because until today I had kept my son’s diagnosis from him.  I hadn’t even mentioned the trauma that we were going through with my son.  I hadn’t mentioned the sleepless nights, long days or the hours spent crying.  I hadn’t mentioned the desperation this has caused, the nights spent up researching or the nights I cry myself to sleep.  I had kept this information from him to protect him and he had done the same.  I think we both realized today that being an open book about what is to come is critical.  I simply can’t imagine my father leaving this earth without spending one last day with him.. one last moment together.

So back to the beginning of this blog post we go.  They say the good die young. Why is that? Why do the good have to die young at all?  Why do the good get sick? Get cancer? Or even get autism?  My father has always been an exceptional man, a business owner, served his country, the local sheriffs department, paid his taxes and was kind to all around him.  Why does he have to die so much earlier than most? Why does he have to suffer with cancer? When there are so many evil people in this world in perfect health.  My son is a beautiful, vibrant and loving person.  He has been kind to every person he has ever come into contact with.  Why is he suffering with autism?  He doesn’t deserve this.  What could two of the most important people in my life, have done to deserve such tragic outcomes?  What I have I done? I think that there are just so many questions in my mind.  And right now I cannot help but sit in the dark and empty “why me” phase.

When people you love are suffering around you, you suffer.  There is no remedy or medicine to fix a grieving heart.  There is no words or saying that can make a bad situation better.  Only God has a say in the end.  I have never been more devoted to my Heavenly Father than I am today and he gives me the strength to carry on.  Every day I wake up, unsure if I can even go on another day.  You can have a great career, nice place to live and all the luxuries and money in the world but when you don’t have your health life can really put a whooping on you.  That’s often how I feel, beaten.  I have a beautiful family, a successful significant other, incredible long time friends and a college education and I still find myself in a bit of a depression over my dad & son.

I try to share some positive and negative (rather real) things on this blog always and I use my blog as a place of self expression and as an outlet to say how I feel not really caring about who judges me.  For every person that is going to judge me for my reality 2 more are going to help me, inspire me and be inspired by me.  The people who love me always will and the ones who don’t never even tried.  So there you have it.

 

xoxo