The perfect book for children with Autism!

This is the perfect book for children with autism and their families!

 

 

With Love,

Stephanie

Without A Voice

They say that a voice is a beautiful thing, so why do parents become so irritable when their children talk all day long?  I was once that parent.  A parent who often reminded her little girl (my first born) to let her mouth take a “rest.”  I constantly told my little girl to please have a few moments of silence, well… I would go on to have those words shoved back down my throat.  But how could I have known back then?  How could I have known that not hearing a child’s voice would have such an impact on me?  How would I have known that the very thing I complained about would be the one thing I was desperate for?  I guess I couldn’t have known.  

I guess thats the thing about people, you don’t know what you got until its gone.  Cheesy? Yea, at one point I would agree but not anymore.  My once irritation has become my obsession.  I think about my child’s lack of communication every minute of the day and when I say every minute, I mean it.  I wonder what it will sound like for him to say, “mommy” “I love you” “can I have some milk” or even just “I.”  Things he has never truly been able to tell me.  Sure, from time to time he echo’s you or repeats after you but nothing is intentional nothing is really functional.  I find myself spending so much time asking other mothers in my similar circumstance, “when will he call me mommy/mom/ma/mama?” “When will he acknowledge that I am here?”  Questions that I know nobody holds the answers too, not the doctors, not the therapists, not other moms and certainly not me.  So why obsess over it? Because I cannot control my need for the very things I used to take for granted.  

I could tell fairly quickly after Kian turned one that he was different.  It’s like all of the children his age went on to develop normally but he stood there frozen in time.  They learned new words, places, things and even put sentences together but for the longest time Kian didn’t speak.  At times he babbled and he even learned his ABC’s.  We thought he was so smart with some of the things he could do. During that phase I was so defensive of him, if anyone even let on that there was an issue I was ferocious in my protection of him.  I was his mother and as far as I was concerned he was perfect. 

With every oncoming month, the gap between Kian and his peers fell wider and wider.  Until I could no longer hide the fact that he wasn’t developing at the level or rate he should.  I had to figure out what was important.  Was it more important that people thought he was perfect or that I got him the help he so rightfully deserved.  So I did.  I started looking for people to help my son.  I looked online, in books, in the yellow pages and even reached out to other mothers for advice.  I started to put together the “support team” that it was going to take to get my baby back on track.  At some points I have been so caught up in changing our situation that I have spared no expense or hurdle.  There was nothing I wouldn’t do to “fix” him.  There is nothing I wouldn’t spend.  I would give up everything even my own life for him to have the life he deserves.  

Guilt and grief have been no stranger to me as I have spent countless hours trying to figure out what I can do to shield my daughters from what had become almost like a nightmare to me. I didn’t want them to be affected by their brothers special needs.  I wanted to shelter all of them including him from any pain or distress that the road ahead might yield.  I’ve gone over every mistake that I have made in my mind time and time again.  I spent hours examining every incident/sickness/medicine I had encountered prenatally.  What could I have done to cause this, what could I have done to bring this fate on to someone I had always loved more than myself? How could I have prevented Autism from sweeping through my family like a tornado and shattering every piece of what I thought this life would be? Sure, they tell me it wasn’t me or my choices.  That I had nothing to do with it.  And this is God’s will. Right? Isn’t it? That is so easy to believe when you are sitting on the other side of the table.  So when guilt and grief were on vacation, anger and disappoint were always in town.  I easily became so angry, but at who? Myself mostly but honestly half of the time I had no one to be upset at.

See the thing about it is, when you bring your children into this world you expect nothing but the best for them.  From the time they are in the womb you begin planning out each moment of their very existence.  When making those plans you never include things like Autism.  Those things don’t exist in your mind.  It isn’t until something wrong is staring you in the face that you realize this plan isn’t what it seemed.  This isn’t what you had in mind, this isn’t what you thought was in store.  Something somewhere went terribly wrong and you have no idea how you ended up here.  

I never want others to feel sorry for my son or to look at his special needs as a sign of weakness because thats just it…. he’s stronger than anyone I have ever known.  Rather, I want them to take away a very important lesson in this life that love does conquer all.  That no matter what the situation is that you are facing, no matter how dark the path may be… that you can make it through anything as long as you love one another.  God has blessed me with a gift that I have never earned or ever deserved.  He gave me someone who lights up my entire world on its darkest days.  He gave me someone who is vibrant, happy and joyful.  Someone who smiles often, laughs frequently and loves hard.  Someone who trusts willingly, believes easily and truly wants to be in this world.  A world that can sometimes be judgmental, misunderstanding and harsh but when you are born in a family of love, no disability can defeat you. Believe.

xoxo